Welcome to my new mini-series Autism Profiles, where a few Neurodivergent adults share some information about what it’s really like to be an Autistic/ND person. I sent them a range of personal questions and have compiled the answers below. I know that most people would assume all Autistic people are the same, and that misguided thinking is what has inspired me to start this series. As you will see in my previous blog, the basic criteria are what ties us together in that we are on the Autism Spectrum, but the ways in which these things are expressed can vary a lot!
I decided to answer the questions myself and try my best not to "over-share"whilst still being open and honest.
My name is Amber and I’m 25-years-old. I live in Perth Western Australia with my partner Louis and my two birds- Pippy and Poncho. I am a creative person and love to immerse myself into projects such as drawing, painting, embroidery, writing, reading, or taking photos of nature.
Growing up, my parents were separated, and I spent most of the time at my Mum’s, and saw my Dad every fortnight. I have always been told I am quiet and shy, and throughout high school in particular, I experienced quite severe bullying. I always felt like I was a nice person, but for whatever reason people saw me as an easy target and I found myself in conflict, despite feeling I never did anything to attract this. I have always, from as far as I can remember, felt different, like I am looking through some kind of weird space-goggles at a world that never made sense. Even from age two I have memories of being hyper-aware of situations, energy, that I can’t imagine most other toddlers would notice. It almost feels like I was born older than my time, the world has always felt too big and intense, I often tried to hide away. No matter how much I was encouraged to take part in hobbies or out of school activities, I never wanted to, nor had the desire. I feel like because I was such an emotional and sensitive child I internalised things more deeply, I have a strong long-term memory and tend to be affected by situations very easily and intensely. This fact, coupled with a tumultuous up-bringing means I hold quite a bit of trauma from things, and that still comes into play in my adult life. Even today, a seemingly inconspicuous situation can cause deep distress for me and the way my mind works means it can play on repeat. Mental health has always been a struggle, and these issues run in my family.
I was 25 years old when I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Condition, but I began to self-identify two months prior to receiving a formal diagnosis. It has never been suggested by anyone that I may be Autistic, I just happened to stumble across a YouTube video that described Autistic females and it led me down a rabbit hole of finally feeling understood and having my entire life experience explained. It turns out I'm not alone in feeling the way I do and that in and of itself has changed my life.
I like to identify as “Autistic person”, rather than “person with Autism”. Saying person with Autism sounds like “person with kidney disease”. It separates the condition from the person and sounds like something that needs to be fixed. But I wont bite your head off if you say it that way :P
My current passions and interests lie in the natural world, particularly animals and especially birds. I remember from around age 9 getting pet Cockatiels and finches and becoming very interested in their ability to fly, I used to wish that I could grow wings and fly like them! The interest in birds had re-occurred at about age 23 and has evolved since then. I now have two Cockatiels, collect feathers and am always observing the natural flow of nature, the cycles, the inter-connectedness of all things. I am also deeply fascinated by Psychology and Neurology, as it has been a way to try and understand myself and other people better. As an Autistic person, and communication not being a strong point, I have always enjoyed observing people and the way they work. Like a puzzle to decipher. I love writing and making art and trying new mediums. I tend to get into my own little world which can be both good and bad, depending on how you look at it.
My favourite way to spend a day would be walking around a wildlife or conservation area with my partner, or alone, just watching the wildlife and taking photos. Drinking coffee, listening to podcasts, learning new things. As an Autistic person, I struggle the most with making and maintaining relationships with people. It didn’t really affect me as much as a child but started to hinder me a lot at around age 18 and became increasingly harder since then. It often feels like I just can’t connect on a deeper level with others, or I can’t be myself around them, out of fear I will be judged or bullied. This means I have spent a lot of my life “masking” my idiosyncrasies and trying to be the person I think people want me to be. This is common in the Autistic community. It generally means a lot of cancelled plans, total lack of interest around socialising and having a “social-hangover” whenever I do. Since discovering this new world and meeting other Auties, I finally feel more able to connect with others and be my true self. It's like we speak the same language.
Another thing I struggle with is becoming over-stimulated by sensory input. Some days are worse than others. If things are too bright, too loud, too many sounds at once, a place is too crowded, if my clothes are too tight or itchy or someone touches me, if my hair is touching me, if something smells too strong, the list could go on. I can deal with some of it at a time but if it’s all coming in at once it’s just too much and I could have a melt down or go and isolate myself for a while. This makes it difficult to do everyday tasks and especially hard to maintain employment.
I would say I am more sensory adverse, but I also do sensory seeking behaviour like stimming (self-stimulatory behaviour). My most common stim is probably the unhealthiest one which is biting the skin around my nails and inside my lips. My other most common stim is bobbing, moving, swaying my feet or legs when I’m sitting. I Do so many different ones it’s hard to list them all. The reason I stim is because.. well.. it just feels like I need to. I need to always be moving or fiddling and I guess it helps me think, process, calm down, it grounds me. The more stereotyped stimming people may think of is hand flapping, jumping up and down, swaying, rocking back and forth, none of which I really do. Every person, Autistic or not, does these behaviours but we just do it a lot more.
I believe being Autistic is something to be proud of, and I think there are many positives and strengths. I think my greatest strength is being extremely perceptive to energy and very empathetic (this can also be very draining.) I notice small details, and I am always aware of patterns or synchronicity in situations, I feel like I can see deep into things and into people, like psychology etc. I receive spiritual insight seemingly out of “nowhere”. One of my very loved special interests as a teenager was spirituality, Astrology, Numerology and Astronomy.. I loved late nights watching Psychic TV. Another thing I love about being Autistic is that when I am into something, I am able to hyper focus and totally immerse myself into the topic. I begin to live and breath it and it makes me feel really happy. It’s like I can get into my own little world of learning and I suppose that’s what most Autistic people prefer to do rather than socialising all of the time. We just have fun in slightly different ways! I tend to gravitate toward people who are quirky or different, because these are the people I am able to connect with easiest. Who knows, maybe they are other Auties.
Co-morbid conditions that I have are anxiety and episodic depression. I feel like I have experienced these things throughout my entire life but particularly heightening during the teenage years, as social expectations increase and awareness of things changes.
The stereotyped Autistic trait that I least relate to would be that I'm really good at maths and science, although I am kind of interested in science, I SUCK at maths! And I don’t have any interest in train timetables. The most typical Autistic trait I can relate to would be the differences in communication and needing a lot of solitude and being very passionate about particular topics.
The thing I wish people knew or understood about Autism is that we aren’t “Freaks”, “Retards” or less than. Autism doesn’t mean “stupid” or have anything to do with IQ. And even if someone does have a co-morbidity of learning difficulties they are also just as valuable as anyone else. I wish people knew that Autistic people are totally capable of achieving their goals and of making a difference in the world, it just may take a little extra time with a little extra support, or we might just go about it differently. Given the right support and understanding from those around us there’s really no telling how much we can achieve. The only thing that makes Autism disabling is the fact that the world’s systems are not necessarily set up for us and peoples perception and understanding of Autism is often harsh and uninformed.
I want people to know that Neurodiversity is just as important as Biodiversity in the natural world. It’s there for a reason! To have many different types of minds and Neurotypes alive in the world, means there are so many different perspectives and ways to do things. It just means that we can all play to our individual strengths and gifts and work in areas that flow with us. If it weren’t for Autistic people I’m sure technology wouldn’t be as far along as it is today, same with animation or film, or anything! I truly believe there are many “Hidden Auties” out there who really help shape society as it is today.
I want employers to know that Autistic people are just as valuable as Non-Autistic people and can bring a whole other wealth of knowledge to the workplace. We are innovative, we see things that aren’t working and want to implement a new way. We see small details others might miss. We are kind, inclusive, intelligent, and extremely hard-working given we have a safe and fitting environment that caters to our needs.
I would love a system built on Equity where each individual human gets what they need as no one size fits all approach will ever work. Society needs to move away from the cookie cutter human stance and toward acceptance of each person’s awesome differences, then I’m certain the world would thrive.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post. There are so many things I could write about this topic, but I guess this will do for now. I hope you got a little bit more of a feel of what it means to be Autistic.
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