Welcome to my new mini-series Autism Profiles, where a few Neurodivergent adults share some information about what it’s really like to be an Autistic/ND person. I sent them a range of personal questions and have compiled the answers below. I know that most people would assume all Autistic people are the same, and that misguided thinking is what has inspired me to start this series. As you will see in my previous blog, the basic criteria are what ties us together in that we are on the Autism Spectrum, but the ways in which these things are expressed can vary a lot!
A big thank you to the participants for making these posts possible.
My name is Alecia de Souza (Ally). I am 25, Female, I live on the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia. I was born and raised on the Gold Coast and spent my childhood living on the beach with my twin sister and brother. My parents separated when I was 10 but are still good friends to this day and I spend a lot of time with them both.
Growing up I had a hard time fitting in, making friends and school was always a struggle for me with sensory issues that I wasn’t even aware of, communication problems, understand people and everything that goes with socialising and social situations. Life has not been easy for me since I can remember! I always thought there was something wrong with me and why aren’t I normal like all the other people around me, unaware that I was autistic.
I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at the age of 24 by my psychologist I have been seeing for over a year now for a completely different reason but the more work we did the more she realised there were other things going on with me and thats when she suggested going through the diagnostics for Autism.
I like to identify as an Autistic person, because that is who I am and being autistic shapes me in every single way I show up in my life, from not being able to sleep properly, to socially interacting, to shopping for my weekly food! (I have to wear headphones) I am not a person with autism as I think that separates the person from it and makes it sound like a curable disease or something? It is the way we are born and the way our brains are wired from the beginning. It is not a disease, illness, nor does it need a cure. I think all of us duties are quite amazing!
My special interests are horses, cats, plants, books, music, art and nature.
I have been obsessed with horses since I was a little girl and have always been able to connect with not just horses but animals in general in a really special way (according to people who know me) I thought it was normal haha.
I have two horses and a cat! I would say that I know a A LOT about horses, got a question I will know the answer! The same with plants, luckily for me it is part of my job working in environmental conservation so plant knowledge and species knowledge is an important asset with my work so it is really great being in nature, learning plants while I am working. My house is also absolutely covered in indoor and outdoor plants!
My passion in life is to work with horses, rescue, train and re-home them but also rescue, re-train and work with autistic people as a form of therapy. Horses have been a form of therapy for me from the first time I saw one, my two horses have helped me get through some extremely tough times with growing up, mental health problems and finding myself in this world. I am forever grateful for the role horses have played in my life and want nothing more than to share this magical connection with others like me!
My favourite way to spend a day would be to play with my horses, give them a bath, some yummy treats, read a book on the grass in their paddock, go for a trail ride (although that can be stressful with two horses), hang out with my cat and listen to music. I just noticed these are all solitary things and I actually do these to recharge.
What I struggle with the most I would definitely say, relationships. I have had a lot of trouble with relationships in all forms. I have always struggled to make friends and keep friends even though I try. I have never been in a proper romantic relationship either but I have been used, manipulated, abused and disrespected. I would say all of these struggles have come down to me not understanding how relationships work, I can not read people, I take things very literally so I believe what people tell me even if they don’t mean what they say. I can’t read body language or social cues so I don’t know when someone is attracted to me or is bored of me or doesn’t like me. I am still learning and trying to figure these things out and also using boundaries so people don’t use and manipulate me.
I also struggle with sensory issues, mainly noise, crowds and light. Hence I wear headphones when I go into shops, I always go early in the morning to avoid crowds, I write lists so I remember what I need to do and can do things quickly so I can leave. If any of these sensory issues become too much for me I usually get out as quickly and normal as I can, then have a shutdown at home, fun times…
I am sensory adverse, I am very sensitive to noises, light, people and crowds and it is a daily struggle for me. My favourite stims would be twirling my hair, I have done it since I was a kid and it would let my mum know if I was tired, overwhelmed or over stimulated. I also hand flap but will only do it around my family members or when I am on my own as I don’t want people judging me. When I have meltdowns the hand flapping/shaking is profound.
I am very empathetic and feel things very intensely. This can be a hindrance at times and causes me to shutdown but I also think it is a great strength to be able to feel things so intensely and compassionately. Eg. When I was around 3 years old I would cry at the dinner table when my parents made meat dishes because I was upset about the animals dieing and refused to eat meat. I can understand animals, when they’re hurt, stressed, happy or sad.
I know a lot about horses so when other horse owners need help they come to me for advice, guidance or help.
Although I am shy, I am a really nice person, I don’t judge people and I am really friendly. Even through my hardship and trauma I have stayed humble and kind and I think thats a great strength.
The co-morbid disorders I have are anxiety disorder, insomnia, PTSD, depression. It can be extremely hard for me to get through a day.
The Autistic stereotype I can’t relate to is that I can NOT do maths! I am not a mathematician, not great with numbers but very good with letters, spelling, grammar and english.
Also because I am female and the base criteria for ASD diagnosis is based on males, I would say I probably do not relate to lots of stereotypes or traits and also another reason why I was diagnosed at such a late age.
The most stereotyped trait I relate to is probably stimming, although I try to cover it up or do it subtly. Definitely special interests, social problems, masking and mimicking (I learned from a young age masking and mimicking people to “fit in”) and sensory issues every day.
The thing I wish people understood about Autism is that people don’t “look” autistic. Maybe I look fine or normal to some people but I can tell you I am probably not okay! Every day I struggle with things neurotypical people do subconsciously or find easy or it comes naturally to them. I wish that people would educate themselves more on autism and the large spectrum that it is! It would really make my life a lot easier if people could understand or be aware of the things that we struggle with and find easy so we can all thrive and be confident in ourselves.
The main reason I have anxiety and depression is because I have been mistreated and ridiculed all my life I am not doing this right or don’t walk on your tippy toes, act normal, look people in the eye when they talk to you, hug your uncle (I don’t like touching). All these things and the consistency of it made me feel deep down there is something wrong with me and I am never going to be good enough, if only people knew I am autistic.
Also I am still a human so please treat me like one.
Just going to say, I don’t know about others, but I am truly exhausted after writing all of this. My brain is going into shutdown… very intense answering these questions but so worth it and I hope that I help contribute to autism awareness and education.
Lots of love,
Ally xoxo
Previous blogs:
Autism Profiles- Stephanie Watts
Follow me on @autie.alien where I share ASD from my perspective.
Comentarios